


Realisations

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders' Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-10
Updated: 2008-06-10
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:39:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Some days, you just wake up and realise...maybe it's love.





	Realisations

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Lily hated herself that summer. She had never believed that you just wake up and realise you spend most of your time thinking about someone, that their very absence makes you realise that for all you proclaimed you didn’t even like them, that they were the centre of your world.

 

“Why don’t you come and help out in my office?” said her father, exchanging a glance with Mrs Evans. “It will keep you busy, Pretty, and I can pay you a little.”

 

She lifted her head to give her parents a wan smile. They thought she was missing her magic – she had shared the letters with them since the very first, including the one that prohibited holiday magic. The business with Sev – Sev _erus_ – hadn’t helped matters. Petunia had been insufferable. Lily had refused to speak to her for a week, despite how petulant that made her sound. If she saw one more superior glance, she might have been tempted to pull out her wand anyway, regardless of the rumours of dire punishment that circulated in the dorms at night. 

 

Him. Always him. She sat in Mr Evans’ office as unobtrusively as possible, sticking envelopes down, ignoring the curious glances of the businessmen and Mr Evans’ secretary, and tried to see the humour in the situation. There was humour. It was black and ironic, but there was humour, right enough. When he had danced attendance on her, called her ‘Lils’ (she hated that at the time, now it made her smile and blush a little at the thought), she had been able to dismiss it, been able to grouse a sarcastic reply and it was only now that she realised how much she had cherished the way he kept on anyway, the way he would always wave her goodbye when she left, the way he would laugh at her snide little remarks.

 

She slapped the envelopes down on the table with more force than she had intended. And then there had been her. In her head she saw him lean across from the Gryffindor table to the Hufflepuff one, knowing Lily could see him, smile at _her_ , some stupid girl with her boring brown hair pulled back into a boring ponytail, with her bland uninteresting face and her simpering smile, and turn _that smile_ at _her_ , the smile Lily had only ever seen directed at herself, and stick out a hand.

 

“Hi, I’m James.”

 

“I’m Rachel,” sneered Lily, reaching for another pile. “ _Rachel.”_ Her mouth puckered into a moue of distaste. Even so, that in itself would have been alright. He was as friendly as ever to Lily, if not more, that dinnertime. And in a fit of something approaching terror, Lily had responded as best she could, painfully inept as she felt. She was unable to avoid her defensive snideness, but she had...well, she had charmed. She had looked into those amazing brown eyes just a little too often. She realised, now, half-sick with shame, that any longer and she just might have kissed him.

 

Then, the bombshell. Then, the next dinner. Then, the being _ignored_. 

 

He hadn’t greeted her. He hadn’t acknowledged her presence. He hadn’t even sat next to her like normal. He had sat with someone else. When she had left, he hadn’t said goodbye. He didn’t wave. He leaned back and studiously yawned, closing his eyes. She had waited, mildly horrified, waved pointedly at everyone else, said, “A bientot!” and paused. Her friends had waved. Sirius and Remus twitched their fingers at her. James had kept his eyes closed. She had marched out.

 

“What did I do?” Lily whispered, as the sinking feeling returned. Sometimes she could laugh, brush it all off. She didn’t care, after all. And then, now, it hit her that she did. She hated that. She hated him. And then she realised that actually, it was herself that she hated. Perhaps he had taken all her little digs seriously. Perhaps that dinnertime she had come on too strong and scared him or something. Perhaps...perhaps anything.

 

On the other hand, in her lower moments, she realised he was a popular boy. _Man_. He was smart, funny, talented, and surrounded constantly by attractive girls, girls who didn’t make everything into a sarcastic remark, girls who knew what to say, how to act, how to brush their hair and tilt their heads just perfectly. Girls who had style. Not Lily Evans, with her stupid messy hair and her prim attitude and her erratic temper. Why on earth would he look at her when he had the whole of the school to choose from? Surely he had just been playing with her – perhaps not maliciously, but not seriously. He ignored her. She hated that it hurt. She hated that when she thought of him, she automatically still saw him leaning nonchalantly back, eyes shut, refusing to even look at her, and that it was months until she would see him again. He was probably with _Rachel_ or some other silly little bint. 

 

“Lily, honey?” Her father placed a hand on her shoulder, and Lily realised, to her horror, that the secretary was staring at her sympathetically as a tear snaked its miserable way down her cheek. “Do you want to go to the bathroom or something?”

 

She nodded, too weakened to open her mouth. Mr Evans awkwardly nodded to the secretary, who gestured Lily to follow her. Lily slunk after her, wiping at her eyes and trying to avoid the looks of the businessmen.

 

The secretary pushed open the door for her, and she slipped in, took one look at her dishevelled face in the mirror and burst into tears. 

 

The secretary handed her a paper towel, and Lily dabbed at her eyes. She couldn’t cry prettily, she knew. When she cried, her eyes became red and blotchy and ugly. She was no pre-Raphaelite model, whose tears shone like diamonds on her pale cheek. She was disgustingly inartistic.  

 

The silent secretary was glancing politely away, and Lily felt slightly sorry for her.

 

“I’m...I’m sorry,” she whispered to her. “I didn’t mean to start crying all over the place...”

 

“It’s alright,” said the woman gently. “These things happen.” She offered a warm smile, and Lily felt oddly comforted by this unknown figure. She was pretty, perhaps only 6 or 7 years older than Lily herself. 

 

“Just some boy,” Lily muttered, turning on the tap to clean her face a little. She met the woman’s eyes in the mirror, and added, wryly, “Isn’t it always?”

 

The woman laughed softly. “Usually,” she agreed. “They are often far more trouble than they’re worth, I think.” She paused, and added, “Do you want to go home? I can let Mr Evans know if you like.”

 

Lily smiled faintly, amused that it still felt strange to hear her father – always Dad, or Daddy - being referred to as ‘Mr Evans’ in the office. 

 

“I think I’ll be alright,” she said, gritting her teeth, trying to be brave, justify her Gryffindor status. At the moment it was about the only thing keeping her going, that her defining characteristic was _bravery_. She could be strong. It was in her blood to be strong. This was the way she was meant to be. She chanted it like a mantra in her head, and threw the paper towel into the bin. She straightened her shoulders, lifted her chin, tried to regain some of her pride.

 

“I think I’d rather be doing something here. And Daddy said he’d pay me!” 

 

The woman laughed with her, and led her back out into the office. _And besides,_ Lily added in her head. _It’s only four months until term starts again..._


End file.
